The past few days were tormenting, I'm not sure how long it will last. Son's been crying whenever he is in half-wake, half-sleep state. When he is wide awake he is perfectly normal and lovely and smile all the time, but he becomes an insecure crying machine demanding somebody to carry him even if we are carrying him like he is in trance.
I have a few theories about this state of him. Maybe he is starting to aware of the urge to pee during sleep but doesn't know how to voice out, coz when he wakes up at night feeling hungry his instinct takes over by expressing through cries, there is no words in this state of mind of him. However, we did take him to pee but soon after that he kept crying. We made sure he was not sick in anyway. So it must be some other causes.
I myself need to dream, I always remember my dreams but after my son's birth 2.5 years ago I can no longer remember my dreams due to all sorts of his interruptions, 2am, 3am, 4am, 8am…., it is tormenting to me coz I can't find clues from my dreams anymore to solve my issues, I can't meditate through these clues and my inner self has disconnected with my consciousness.
Tonight I got home earlier and started to paint without thinking and suddenly I found it a great way to let the flow take over. In retrospect I drew the eyeglasses (means taking it off to get some sleep), I drew firy red from it and it grows (anger and frustration related to sleep/dream deprivation), I took the stamps out and stamped "I need to dream". So it all became clear to me, I started to reconnect to my inner self.
On the left of the page, while I was painting the right part, my son requested me to draw "cat cat", "mouse mouse", "panda" and his Chinese name. See he was perfectly normal at around 10pm, he said "cat cat so cute". But then the past 3 hours he was tossing and turning in bed and when he reached that half-sleep half-wake state, he started to cry again!!!!!! Yearning to carry him while his mom was carrying him… after 1 hour she gave up (normally she stays put)and it was my turn. My strategy was to let him cry while I sang whatever songs distracted him from crying until he became so tired, then I picked him up and sang Edelweiss while he was crying … for 1 entire hour. Finally after rounds of crying and falling asleep he dropped to deep sleep. My shoulders and neck hurt like hell while I'm typing this. Now at 2:30am I start to work my own stuffs, read or check mails.
Tonight's drawing flow was great, soon after the first drawing I started to paint a green patch, added red and felt like going nowhere so I painted black over the colors and closed the book. Reopened minutes later there it is! A demon within. I added transparent ink to make the demon appear and gave him a stamp on his face. My interpretation is that both me and my son has this demon within. For me he is the anger from dream/sleep deprivation, for my son I concluded that it was from an event occured last week…….
My wife took him to Ocean Park on a week day. He went to a falling machine with several elder friends (that's a machine for children) and after just one drop from top, his face turned blank according to my wife. The operator was smart enough to realize that and stopped the machine and brought him down, continued to operate for other children. He was acting totally normal like nothing had happened. But I'm sure deep inside he felt the unpreceedingly new fear of weightlessness, the unbearable lightness.
That explained why all these cries. Whenever I held him to sleep crying I felt him grabing me when he suddenly realized that he was "falling" and "relaxing" to sleep. The fear was buried and he doesn't show any sign of that fear in front of people when he is awake. But that demon crawls out from his subconsciousness when he is in half-sleep half-wake state. I am now 100% sure I found the cause of all those crying coz the timing after the Ocean Park visit and his new state of fear of the unbearable lightness matches.
My strategy to fix my son's problem – face it, play it again.
My strategy to be able to remember my dream again – fix my son's problem.
My strategy to reduce stress before I can solve the aboves – draw/paint even more.
Think like a man of action, act like a man of thoughts
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